Several months ago in December, Farm Stud decided that he wanted to buy some steers for his property (he sells them after 18 months or so), so he announced that we going to the sale yards where suppliers of cattle place them in enclosures.
I was quite excited to be going to see how they went about this business of sellers selling their cattle to ready buyers - auction style! Just in case there is cow poo that we'll have to walk past & over, I decided to wear jeans and my "farm" boots.
Anyway, we get there and all the enclosures are arranged side-by-side in a row. Each enclosure has a gate (of course!) with the cattle within. Alongside each row of cattle enclosures (& cattle) is a slightly raised platform that runs the length of each row of enclosures. This raised platform is for the buyers to examine the cattle in each enclosure so that they can decide which batch of cattle they would like to bid for when the auctioneer comes around.
The auction is carried out systematically with the auctioneer and his "sidekicks" moving along yet another platform which is higher than the audience's platform, more like overhead but across from the audience's platform.
Before the auction begins, Farm Stud & I move through gates onto the different platforms to examine the cattle of interest. So I decide to stand at one spot looking over the railing at the steers below me when one of the steers in the enclosure decide that he wants to hump another mate of his. That enclosure was really crowded with about 15 of the steers so space was a scarcity when the randy one decided to rise to the occasion. The "humpee", however, was in no way, happy to oblige so decided to move forward away from the rising hooves of the other one. The inevitable, you guessed it, happened. While trying to get away in a small space, the runaway steer kicked up some of the green soft stuff that was on the ground in their enclosure flew and some got on the arm of the lady standing next to me while some of it flew and SPLAT!On my jeans! COW POO!
I tried to hide the green stuff on my jeans because I didn't have tissue or paper to get it off my jeans. I casually walked over to Farm Stud:
Tractor-Chick: Guess what?
Farm-Stud: What?
Tractor-Chick: (sheepishly & discreetly pointed) Look!
Farm-Stud: Hahahahaha! They got you!!! Hahahahaha!
Tractor-Chick: Did you have to laugh so loudly? (making a face) I'm beginning to feel the wet going through my jeans onto my thigh!
Farm-Stud: Hahahaha!
Tractor-Chick: I'm going to the car for some tissue!
Farm-Stud: Hahahaha! Alright Babe, shit happens at a cattle-yard sale!
Welcome to Australia!
Remember my last blog with Aussie slang? Well, I'm referring to my comment about a shit-carter's hat and why it's so flat. I'll leave you with a question which will give you the answer.
The shit-carter has to collect the tin container from the stand-alone toilet to fit on his vehicle like a drawer. Guess how he carries the full container from the toilet to the vehicle?
Welcome to Australia!
I've gathered more words of Aussie slang for your reading pleasure:
- Pop-off - FART
- Dag - SHIT THAT HANGS ON THE WOOL OF A SHEEP'S BUM!
- A bit ho-hum - NOT SHIT HOT/JUST AVERAGE
- Howz ur dad? - SAME AS 3 ABOVE (I really don't see how it's even related!!! - told ya confusing bunch!)
- Six of 1 or 1/2 dozen of the other - SAME THING/NO DIFFERENCE
- Bunging it on - FAKING IT.
- She can talk underwater with a mouth full of cement - SHE TALKS INCESSANTLY
- As flat as a shit-carter's hat - FLAT AS A SHEET OF PAPER
- Hoo Roo - GOODBYE
A little bit of background about a shit-carter.
In the days of old, when the sewage system was nowhere similar to what we have nowadays with the flush and all. In those days, the loo was basically a tall wooden structure, similar in size to the broom closet, with a roof and a raised floor with a "hole" in it. Beneath this "hole" sat a tin container. A person needing to visit the loo will have to enter this "closet" and stoop over the "hole" (it was oval in shape, long and as broad as the width of your hips) to do the necessary through the hole into this container (I know, I know, too much info!). Obviously someone had to take it away once it was full and replace it with an empty one!
One guess as who a shit-carter is! I'm guessing that his hat was really flat & no one could really tell me why it was so if it was so!!!! I really have my doubts about what the flatness of the hat had to do with the job he had to do! Oh well....
Welcome to Australia!
Summer is the time for spiders & snakes in Australia, so I've been told. Well, I don't hope to see snakes but I've seen enough spiders to last me a lifetime!
Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, Farm Stud's mother, let's call her Horse Rider, came a calling. She needed to go to the loo and I was in the kitchen waiting for the water to boil to make us a pot of tea.
I spilled something on the floor & reached out to tear a segment off the roll of kitchen towel sitting on the microwave oven. After I tore the piece off, there sitting on the vertical side of the roll was this wolf spider, big, brown & menacing-looking. Of course, you can guess what happened next! I screamed!
Horse Rider (from the loo): What? What? What happened?
Tractor Chick: (screaming again) Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhh!
Horse Rider: (coming round the corner): What is it?
Tractor Chick: There's a huge spider on the kitchen towel.
I turned around to look at Horse Rider & there she was standing with the front part of her knickers up while the back part was down! I couldn't stop laughing.
Tractor Chick (still laughing): It's ok, I think you have time to finish what you were doing. The spider doesn't seem to be going anywhere.
The Horse Rider finally came out of the loo all tidied up and she saved me from the spider.
WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA!
This is for those who are ever planning to live in Australia.
When I first started visiting Oz, not only was it a struggle to cope with the lazy Aussie drawl, I also had to deal with the "colour" in the words they used. So, being the charitable human being, I've decided that I'll share some of what I've learnt with you. The interpretation will, of course, be the Singapore version.
- A few roos short in the top paddock - SCREW LOOSE.
- Furphy - A LIE.
- Porky Pie - A LIE (again).
- Yesty - YESTERDAY.
- Arvo - AFTERNOON.
- Bull Dust - DON'T BLUFF.
- Uhming & ah-ring - UHM, AH.
- Fair dinkum - HONESTLY, TRUTHFULLY.
- Spuds - POTATOES.
- Dunny - TOILET.
- Dunny roll/paper - TOILET ROLL/PAPER.
- Bum nuts - EGGS.
- Tub up - BATH/SHOWER.
- Pain the pinny - STOMACH ACHE.
- Chook - CHICKEN.
- Tea - DINNER.
- Dinner - LUNCH.
Sometimes quite a confused bunch, I say!
So far so good that I can remember that many! I'll surely update you with more as & when I gather them.
WELCOME TO AUSTRALIA!
Before I went to bed last night, I had to use the loo, as usual. This 150-year old house in Maitland is not ensuite so a walk through a short hallway was necessary to get to where I needed to go. Before I could get halfway, I noticed something on the floor. It looked very much like the round fluff of dog hair + dust from under the sofa, fridge, etc. It looked a bit strange so I decided to take the other route through the lounge and out the other door to the loo. Doing this it allowed me to bypass the thing on the floor, just in case it was alive.
As I got to the door of the loo, I looked again at this thing on the floor and this ball of fluff looked like it had a pair of eyes looking away from me. The lighting wasn't very good, obviously, because I couldn't make out what it was.
Tractor Chick: (yelling out) Hey Babe! There is something here that looks strange.
Farm Stud: (From the bedroom & yelling back) What is it?
Tractor Chick: I don't know but it has fur on it & I think it has a pair of eyes on it.
Farm Stud: Is it a rat?
Tractor Chick: No no it's only small, not as big as a rat.
Farm Stud: Is it a mouse?
Tractor Chick: No no it's sitting too still to be a mouse.
Farm Stud: Is it a spider?
Tractor Chick: No I know what a spider looks like.
Farm Stud: What is it?
Tractor Chick: (yelling louder) I don't know!
After doing the deed, I came out of the loo and continued to stare at this ball of fluff. I took one careful step toward it & it did the unexpected; IT JUMPED!
Tractor Chick: (screaming) IT JUMPED!!
Farm Stud: (yelling louder) WHAT IS IT?
Tractor Chick: (still screaming) I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S GOT FUR!
Farm Stud: (running from the bedroom) What is it? Hahahahaha...what is it? Oh, it's a frog & it's covered in fur!
Tractor Chick: See I told you it was something weird!
Farm Stud: (going after it till he caught it in his hands) It's only a baby green frog. it won't hurt you. Come, have a look.
Tractor Chick: (running back through the door towards to the bedroom) NOOOOOO!!!!!
Farm Stud: (releases the frog into the garden) Hahahaha I've never seen a frog with fur!
Tractor Chick: Yeah I definitely haven't!
Farm Stud: (comes back into the bedroom still laughing) I know what it is. The frog must have landed on or through a ball of fluff from somewhere and it got stuck to its body & hopped around with it. Hahahaha. This is the best incident yet! I'll never forget it for a long time. Hahahaha.
Welcome to Australia!
The "wildlife" in Maitland never ceases to amaze, surprise and shock me.
Some weeks ago when the rains were upon us for days and days, I spotted on the wall in front of me something that looked like a small snail leaving its slimy trail; with one exception! It was houseless!
Tractor Chick: Hey Babe, there is a snail on this wall that doesn't have a house! This is the first time I've seen a house-less snail. It must have lost its house in this pouring rain. All the snails that I've ever seen all had houses on their backs.
Farm Stud: (Decides to have a look at this thing) Hahaha! That's a slug.
Tractor Chick: A slug?! I thought slugs only live in the sea?
Farm Stud: No no here it is called a slug.
Tractor Chick: But it has those retractable eyes on its head just like an ordinary snail does! So how can it be called a slug? This is so weird! Do slugs here have to look for houses?
Farm Stud: Nooooo....slugs don't ever have houses. They are exactly that - house-less.
Tractor Chick: Eeeewwww it's gross!
Farm Stud: Welcome to Australia!
